The lyrics have nothing to do with me, at all! starting with the fact that I am not even a little free. This paper I have to write to finish the damn university is annoying me and I am happy. I mean I am happy as opposed the why the song is sad because the writer's block that I am having is for sure not helping with my writing the damn paper wuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa , so to say that I am happy and nothing more would be misleading. But am I not happy? That is fals also. Hmmm....Well, this is the moment when you have to choose the glass half full or glass half empty thing. Good luck.

The one on the right is Mr X. muhahaha

The truth that bites your ear

you are down looking up

I am still thinking about the title :( and I am so sorry I forgot to write yesterday.
I went out unexpectedly and came back after midnight.
Thought of the title while walking towards the subway.

ador minutul 5

Truths regarding a person are particularly tricky. By someone's truth I mean his/her feelings, opinions, intentions, actions or what they know about oneself. This one is the only truth that someone possesses, they can transform truth into false and vice versa. Awesome power actually.
I don't want to seem like House saying something like "everybody lies", but people don't really hurry to tell the truth (their truth) because its personal nature makes them feel vulnerable and exposed if revealed. And who can blame them? Or better yet, who can blame us? It's very hard to be a truthful person and, commonly, they are also thought of as naive. Naive people don't lie as much as, for say, someone who is very perspicacious (yes, it actually is a word). It seems obvious to say that the difference in the degree of truthfulness in a person is given by his\her past experiences and/or level or selfishness, but I am sure that is not all. Even people with bad experiences in their past may still tell the truth even if they had been "burned" exactly because of that. And for the selfish or less selfish people it is only the matter of the selection of truth to be revealed (example the selfish may tell you something true, but hurtful while the less selfish one may not). One's values seem to play the most important role and it is also the complex answer. There are many elements in the set of values that one lives by and the experiences that could change or alter that set have to be very strong to make permanent adjustments.
I have managed to get thought that paragraph without mentioning the word "trust". I don't think that trust is the most important element in telling the truth. Of course it is very important but liars lie the one they trust and truthful people may tell the truth to ones they don't trust because they simply don't lie or accept the consequences of their truths (because of that set of values). I'd like to make a study if people tell the truth more to the ones they say they trust as opposed to the ones they don't know or don't trust.

found this . kinda like it :P although I am not 14

you are up looking down

A friend and a book

Probably the first good poem that I wrote I wrote for her.

the rest...Sick and tired

Blood and Sand

I find myself looking at a very violent tv show :))

Very tired. The paper I have to write to finish university is very demanding. I am very very tired... and scared. I dodged a bullet today and will again be in front of the gun on Monday.

Missing my years of metal rock.


The anonymous

I feel strange and far away and tired. Like I've run this distance that I feel from all of you.
Everything seems dull. That is a dangerous thing. The only time I take risks is when I get bored. I just realized that. Risk can be anything. Maybe driving fast at night or smoking on the window or just talking to someone I shouldn't talk to or abandoning school stuff and going out or watching a movie.

I saw Coco before Chanel today and noticed something that quite frankly bothered me. Remembering the biographical movie with Edith Piaf I saw that all these fantastic women had this big love which died really young. What is up with that? It's like every incredible love story ends with someone dieing, but I am most appalled by this portrayal that the strong women loves one man and she lives most of her life without him. There's Becoming Jane too, The Duchess, freaking Titanic etc etc. I am very annoyed.
I have two conclusions which are not connected. Either every writer thinks that the great feminine character wouldn't be/become great with a man at her side (thus he has to die, marry for money, leave unwillingly and so on) which although makes sense is not set in stone, or it's just a mandatory ingredient in love stories (hopefully only fictional ones). What still bothers me is that it's true Boy Capel died, it's true that Marcel Cedan died and the affairs were true. What I can only hope is that the writers invented the "love of her life" part...which leaves me where? Denying love. I don't like that either.
I once told someone "my book will have a happy ending, regardless of what happens" in real life. I get a little bit frustrated when I fall in love with a book and its ending is so damaging to my feelings. You can't help but hope 'till the last page that your loved character will live a happy life...or at least, that's me. I care about what I read and I feel things even for fictional people. They exist, even if they are only ideas in my mind. Unfortunately they don't belong to me, they belong to the writer so I can't change what happens to them. The frustration comes from my impossibility of changing the story to an ending to my likening. It makes me feel like I wouldn't be able to change the ending to my story.

Oh yeah, the title is about the fact that sometimes I wish I was an anonymous blogger. I had read Meditations in an Emergency (Misterg's blog).

Ps: I am downloading all the Disney movies.Ha! those have happy ends.



rush... rush. Grabs her purse, almost forgets her hat, damns her heals, reaches for the umbrella, but she stops. rush, out the door, down the stairs, outside on the street.
She knew it was raining, but she figured the station wasn't far and that carrying that thing all day would be annoying. She likes the rain, this rain, because there are many types of rain. It's small and gentle, not very windy, just enough to sprinkle her face with cool drops and make her clothes glitter if by any chance a ray of sun breaks through the clouds. Of course the bus is taking it's time to appear and she finds herself waiting, not for the vehicle, but for an umbrella.
The real reason why she didn't take her umbrella is that she wants to be saved. She knows it's corny and will probably never happen, but she's waiting for him to appear with an object similar to the one she left home and protect her from the rain.
She's just waiting there, daydreaming and, in the same time, analyzing her own whishes for whatever reason. And then is stops raining.
The lady next to her doesn't close her umbrella. Out of impulse she extends her arm further from her body, turns her palm to face the sky and expects to feel nothing, but she can feel the small drops. She looks behind and smiles.



Alexander McQueen, you have to love his imagination


Meds are my friends

Although I am currently having an affair with needles and pills, music is sometimes a smooth whisky you drink to drawn a deep deep sorrow...

After this portrait of addiction to meds and drinks, let me ask you a question.
First , my usual story for the context in which I ask my question (some people know). As a child, my grandmother(=doctor) would always tell me to think about something pretty when she had to give me an injection. Needles were not so thin in Romania. I got the reflex of concentrating on something I love when I feel pain and I found that it's more or less the same thing for a while now. What is your beautiful thing you think/you would think about in such cases? And is it the same or it changes every time?

sunrise <3 ...somewhere very close to the sun.


From over the clouds to under the earth

I have probably accustomed you with the figurative speech, but I am serious. From Sinaia (up) to the metro in Bucharest, this was my route today.
I discovered that you don't get a ticket for driving with your car numbers dirty (in Romania) and that you actually can ski in Sinaia and go to the Mall in Bucharest in the same day. What a true experience. =))
Tired. Bed.


lg battery is dead.lazy me=charge it later.I feel like I have 100*C but ski was beautiful.



My lg shine is a little tresure. Should have used it in the fist place. Lg is Love. I can post in body. Made huge progress today, skiwise. Have to go.

lost a ski today when fell in hole full of snow because of fog thicker than milk. 


Already sun burned and tired.ps I beat everyone at remi.I can only post in title


at 2000 meters above sea level. was sunny and warm and Mr. X wants me to tell you it's 1,20 m of snow. kinda alone up here,the 4 of us.


So fucking sleepy

I am finding myself reading gossip sites and closing my eyes every 2 seconds. I am blind and sleepy. Blind because my glasses are in the backpack and sleepy because...well...it's 3.20 am.
Gossip sites, let's clear that shall we? Something about heidi klum and red dresses...in the 12 million page you understand it's a charity event. Good job guys. (and I don't know what was the charity for) Then something about the twilight girl and not her bf, then about her bf, then ...a her bf gets or doesn't get lap dances for something. Not clear about that. Then the freckled girl, lindsay has or not a relationship which may or may not be violent with her looks like a DUDE girlfriend. =)) AAAAAAA. Enough.

Oh yeah, and I am going to wake up in 2 and a half hours. Yeyyyy. Going on a ski trip for a week. Hopefully I will manage to post with Mr. X's phone. God bless internet...if their is any at 2000 meters over sea level.
I had some work to do.That's why I am awake.

Another one for the road guys:


Tired of words


Hotel Marna

She arrives at the hotel at 1 pm. Horrible street. The siren from an ambulance is still ringing in her ear. There were two peculiar noisy men on the train and she just stood there, on her seat, looking out the window, hoping they'd stop calling her and trying to get her attention. They left in the end, thank God, before she had to get off the train. It might seem she should feel troubled and scarred. She is perfectly calm. The ambulance seems so common, the mess, the ruins right next to the hotel. Like the world is supposed to be chaos and trouble and she is just floating around, asking for a room, waiting, the classic moment, before giving a name...her actual name even and going up to the room. 203. She loved the number because it remembered her of nothing. No birthdays, no significant dates, no special hour or anything like that. Just a number. She also left the key at the desk for him to open the door by himself when he arrives. She'd hate to hear the knock. She feared it might wake her to some sort of reality. After a while he appeared. He was troubled, cold. Their eyes met and then it was easy. . .
-Why did you come here?, he asked.
She didn't answer right away. She got up. Took the robe she had left near the bed on purpose and took a cigarette out of her purse and a lighter.
-You know, in the movies, everyone covers the fire from the lighter with their hands when they light up, all the time. I never understood why they do that if they are in the house. I never do that.
She light up the cigarette with the flame exposed. She didn't cover it with her hands.
He was still waiting for an answer which is strange for him so she said.
-So I can smoke.


Yes, I have been watching a little too much Mad Men. Ah , I love it.

Dinner in the dark

I was supposed to meet my mom today for some dinero(pesos, greens, money).I went to her house. She lives in a new building, along with her boss and some other executives. Although new and built especially for them this house is very stupid and when I got there everyone was in shock because the power was out and also the water pomp, thus, my mom, who lives at the last floor was without water. Well...I came there for dinner and I was starving. So her boss, in his familiar manner, took me, my mom and one of his mates(and executive) to the restaurant. I must tell you that both the boss and the mate were Austrians. I am unfortunate enough to not speak any German (Austrian is similar to German although with slight nuances) . Of course, when communicating we spoke the common English, but it was impossible to ask that when these guys were friends since at least 1998 (when they made a funny bet that while the boss is under 80, although he says it was 90, kilos the executive bought the dinner, if not, the boss payed) to speak anyway different than fast and Austrian. So it was the two speaking in their language and me and my mom in our language. It annoyed me greatly. I wish I knew every language on the planet.
The executive was totally charming. I made a joke about his Blackberry and said I'd like one and he asked me: Really, do you want one? And I said :"yes" and he took another identical Blackberry out of his pocket and handed it to me. Omg,to have two identical phones , both working , with blinking incoming emails on them. O f course I couldn't look in the phone so I just opened the browser and decided to google...myself. He asked what I was doing and I answered. He said :"how vain", in a playful manner. He then took the phone like from a child and looked in the google results. I actually come out as the first answer so he found my blog and read my last post. And then I found myself again the dark. With comments like "it's incredible you have the time just to put your thoughts on the internet" and telling my mom she should get me a job and "when you are older this will make you blush" I felt pretty bad. When he finished reading he said thank you and that it made him smile. Should I still get a job?

An interesting question he did ask and I shall think about it. He asked me if I laugh when reading what I wrote when I was much younger. I can actually do that and I did a year ago, a little, and I didn't laugh. More or less, although younger, less experienced, even more naive and unknowing, I still thought in the same way, I still had the same basic principles and desires. I am not ashamed of how I analyzed some friendship or how I described a room or what I liked about a boy. I am hoping that when I'll be 40, this here will seem as fun and "haha that's totally me, but boy was I dumb", just like when I read my diary from the fourth grade.
I've had strong opinions from a very small age. I am not about to change now.


Likes and dislikes

A few weeks ago I was talking to my colleagues in a very smoky underground bar about how we get ideas, right after an exam :)). We probably didn't use our rhetorical skills in the exam. We were wasting them in the bar. Anyway, two sides were taken...or better yet, described. The "while washing the dishes" and the " concentrate hard and read a lot first and during". I hope you already know which category I am in. It's not exactly washing the dishes. It's anything really. I usually read my assignment and just do something else, something simple and routine, or anything really, other than that thing. I think of it in the back of my brain and when I sit again at my desk I have more ideas.
I was in front of my computer, with his annoying little black vertical line blinking on the white screen. What was I to do? Read some blogs I follow, cleaned the kitchen, opened the windows, sketched something in my agenda and then sat down.
I thought at first to write a list of likes and dislikes about myself ,but I feel narcissistic enough these days so I though, what about the whole world? That includes anything I can grasp.

1.the seasons. we'd get so bored only with one
2.Men. the nicest, most interesting...companions
3.Art. Ah, I love art.
6.The sky
I hope you didn't expect World Peace (and there isn't any.ever :| ) or penicillin or houses...uuu or the computer. I have a hard time picking actual pragmatic things. I have been living without my grandma for two long :))

1.That we teach children the word "fair", make them live by it only to change them when they grow up. Mostly nothing and no one is fair.
4.Walking on the street and feeling unsafe
5.War and any OTHER kind of mass killing
6.That traveling is very expensive
7.the desperate conditions in which creatures exactly like us live
8.That to be a photographer it's sufficient to take one's self seriously and a fair rest will follow even if you have no voice.

The empty seat

I have a little problem, I think. I can't really listen to music anymore. I mean I like to hear familiar song, either ones that make me feel nothing or ones that I know what make me feel and I defend myself from them. So sorry if I "spam" you only with old songs. I'll soon run out probably. I am also very picky. I don't have many favorites. Actually, I am pretty sure I have posted this one some time ago. Anyway.

That empty seat. A friend and I broke into a closed summer theatre today.It was awesome. I could stay there forever. The site from the scene was beautiful as the sun came down under the amphitheater, birds were flying over me (it was in a park), it was stone silence and dead cold.
I had this idea for him to take some photos of me alone as a spectator in that sea of empty chairs full of snow. After I got up I left the seat empty...I mean really empty because there wasn't any snow on it anymore, thus the picture.
Browsing thought the shots a few minutes ago I saw this one and said to myself: the empty seat. Of course I had a deeper meaning in mind. I felt better on stage actually, but that empty seat haunted me. We...I and, what I've heard around me, most people feel that empty space. Either a husband, a better job, money, success, I dunno, some desire strange things :P like maybe this Leica white as snow. I would become a lesbo for that cam (seing it as a feminine entity :P ). What I am looking for is not summed up in a word. Ha and the Beatles singing "That's what I waaant.... gime me moooneyy" on my player. Just liked the timing.

That empty seat fascinates me even more because I don't know what it's supposed to be filled by. I keep hoping that I'll know when I see it/find it, but I am no so sure anymore. I am sometimes afraid that true happiness is not the end of the story. It's just a moment somewhere, maybe it has passed, and the rest is ...the rest of my life. I am tired of living on hope. I want some kind of certainty or Truth. What I miss...his arms around me.


To remember

is to forget.

I figured out that people remember things very differently from yourself, especially about yourself. I caught this by a comment about my hair color. I remembered it a totally different color than the peers around me. It really shocked me.
I find it interesting. After all...between the two opinions, which is the truth ? And here, I don't think about the Truth, but the convention type truth.



I am not going to talk about love. The title is just a beautiful word that has a very very far fetched connection to what I want to talk about...even farther than the association between the word love and the movie Casablanca. Somehow they got to be considered synonymous. Like the word liar got to be synounymous to ...No one.

No one is the embodiment of lying, but No one is not important because even if I write it's name and address and personal numeric code you still wouldn't know who is No one. It is the lie in person, thus the truthful side that I know about No one does not exist...for you, and in some way I hope it stays that way. There are so many No ones...Mr X says I live in a bubble, only today I started believing him.

We all live with little lies. Like, come on, "how do I look?", "is it going to be ok?", "I will never lie to you " =)) . Every little lie can only be covered with another lie: - "really?:* " - "yes/sure". That's ok. If we would all tell the truth it would be...I really really can't imagine it. For people to tell the truth more they'd have to be better. The better you are(in reality), the less lies you have to say, really. Think about it.
So you accept the lies, little ones, big ones, but there is always one that just fills the cup someday, somehow. My question and debate in my head is, what do you do then? When you can see passed that immense monster of lies that seems to swallow everyone around because they don't see it. Imagine this huge Godzilla...lol...swallowing people around in the room, but these people are doing mondane things like cooking, drinking water, doing laundry, watching tv. The thing is, if you try to open the eyes of these people two of the following will happen : they think you are Godzilla or the whole Universe will do another Big Bang...again lol.
There's the question: Except you, who is it really bothering? Hmm...none of the people. They don't see, feel, smell or thing about the truth about No one. If they're senses don't feel it, it means it doesn't hurt them. Oh boy, the way I explained it now really gives me the chills cause my solution was just leave the room of the Godzilla, but who knows later on, maybe someone else feels it on his/her own skin... and I knew it was a possibility.
The little lie that filled the glass was awesome. You never know what it's going to be. I am still laughing.

Sorry I didn't get to post yesterday. I was in the mountains with highshool buddies <3

aaaaaaaaaaaaa waking up at 5.15

yup, that's what I am looking forward to right now ough

to busy stuffing my bagpack and thinking what I will certainly forget

Today I have been discovered :( My beloved globe fell this Saturday. I am glueing it back together and I will succeed. Cause that is what I do :P . My modesty is for Mr X.

Today I had my last exam for the semester. Oau. The song The wall came into mind, but I never hated teachers...well except a horrible human being called English teacher in 2 of the years in highschool. Is there a fun song about school?
doing my best to find something and ....here it is :

ok....al my searches point to High School Musical( the movie) :| ...eh what the hell

=))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) This post will remain in history.

Vacation and a special book

The Book of Eli : Surprising movie. I recommend it. It's all I am going to say :P

Tomorrow evening I will be free. The exams will be over. Why don't I feel any kind of happiness?

This is by far the hardest year in school. I feel like any moment I am not with my nose in books I am wasting it. My graduation paper is still in the drawing board and it really worries me.
This weekend I am going on a class trip (class :P = highschool mates). I feel like I am going on an abandoned island with 9 strangers. I don't think they are strangers, but us as a gathering seems so strange. It's actually been over 2 years since we were all together somewhere.
At least I will be out of town, no worries for 2 days, no access to school and co. . I hope to take some shots. I feel rusty. I hope to laugh. I feel rusty. I hope to forget. I feel rusty. I hope to come back. It's been a long time since I left anywhere. Strage. I mean I have been places away form my home, but it didn't feel like I left. God, I hope to leave and take a breath. Yeyy! my excitment just got an errection. Shh! you might scare it away.

wish for a secret


Heart stops

Sometimes I feel like I live with the light off. When someone turns it on I have to close my eyes because it's to bright.

I haven't watched TV (except yesterday, but I was sitting in the room with someone, not watching) for at least two weeks. I now realize that maybe stuff happened that I know nothing about . O_O
Somehow I was pretty peaceful without all the media around me. Facebook, but just the games, messenger, but only Mr X and Ms Z , oh and Little cute bear . The rest was sitting in the house, the exam, the studying. I feel very disconnected...but I am not frustrated now. I feel frustrated when I am connected. Maybe I don't post enough, maybe I am posting too much, I have to see the news, I have to talk about whatever and the disatiffaction settles in. It's easier to be unhappy when you strive to be everywhere, in everyway. I guess this is how you know what you are really interested in. You find youself doing only the things that matter.


When ice grows sideways

ana are mere

I was thinking today that we consider space infinite, but when it comes to looking "down", into cells, between electrons, we stop at some point and say this is ii, the undividable part. Between these undividable parts there is nothing really.They cling together though some sort of attraction. This is not why I am fascinated. The idea of an undividable part...so it's not made of something, it just is....how can that be? I mean isn't that some sort of definition for God, He is, he is not made, he makes...so finding God in the little things is actually quite a saying =))
Oau...I wish I was an undividable part. That I had the power of existing without preconditions and change. Oau! I am just in love with this.

Oh and I just adore these little claws near my window.

Growing wild and free

Sometimes I don't know what to say. That's why I love the arts.

Oh and that beautiful bouquet is now resting peacefully in my crystal vase.


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