rudolf
Is me. I have level 3 burns, while mr X ia shivering in my arms. :)) the first of may is a strange time.
Words with no name
wishing everything would write itself
dreaming of a far away seaside
the peacock on my door stopped singing
To see the point
I see, on average, a feature film a day, the two-hour kind. It's not a brag. I said this to illustrate I've seen a lot of movies.
After some movies I fail to see the point, what do they want to say with this film? what should it teach me about myself?, I do, and I spend days thinking about it. Like "A serious man" or " Whatever Works"(and books like "Mrs Dalloway"). These two come to mind. But then I remember them and I get it. I've named the two also because they try to say the same thing in a way, the thing I want to say in this entry.
What do we want? and What gives us meaning? are two different things. We may want a collection of cars, but does that define us? If we lose them , do we loose ourselves?
It's like this, there are people who have a career, money, health but want a person to love, people who have loved ones, health and a career with no money, they want money, people who have money, loved ones, health, but no aknowledgements, like a bad actor who makes a lot of money cause he's pretty, and so on and so on. Then there are some who "have it all"...and these guys kill themselves. :)) Bad joke, I know, but it happens. These guys want meaning. What is meaning? They search for a greater purpose, for some sort of superior goal. They find religion, they find charity, they find making babies, they find alcohol and/or they find the bullet, or worse: marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce etc. :P Afterlife? That is no guarantee and well...everyone will have an afterlife so why is it different from the one here? This is a serious question. If we continue to exist, except for the part that (for the worse I would say) it will be an eternity of status-quo (Heaven-good, pleasure, peace.Hell- pain, suffering, torment), why is it so special?
Most of what I say above is false, because I can't believe it's that simple. With 3-4 categories intertwined I managed to index what happens to people who actually search for that world of ideas I was talking quite some time back. The thing is I've felt like that all my life. So if I am reasonably ok in this life, career, health, love ...what does it mean ? Ha, I just realized I am a character from an Eminescu short story. Once I say those words....I am G.... I will fall. :))
After some movies I fail to see the point, what do they want to say with this film? what should it teach me about myself?, I do, and I spend days thinking about it. Like "A serious man" or " Whatever Works"(and books like "Mrs Dalloway"). These two come to mind. But then I remember them and I get it. I've named the two also because they try to say the same thing in a way, the thing I want to say in this entry.
What do we want? and What gives us meaning? are two different things. We may want a collection of cars, but does that define us? If we lose them , do we loose ourselves?
It's like this, there are people who have a career, money, health but want a person to love, people who have loved ones, health and a career with no money, they want money, people who have money, loved ones, health, but no aknowledgements, like a bad actor who makes a lot of money cause he's pretty, and so on and so on. Then there are some who "have it all"...and these guys kill themselves. :)) Bad joke, I know, but it happens. These guys want meaning. What is meaning? They search for a greater purpose, for some sort of superior goal. They find religion, they find charity, they find making babies, they find alcohol and/or they find the bullet, or worse: marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce etc. :P Afterlife? That is no guarantee and well...everyone will have an afterlife so why is it different from the one here? This is a serious question. If we continue to exist, except for the part that (for the worse I would say) it will be an eternity of status-quo (Heaven-good, pleasure, peace.Hell- pain, suffering, torment), why is it so special?
Most of what I say above is false, because I can't believe it's that simple. With 3-4 categories intertwined I managed to index what happens to people who actually search for that world of ideas I was talking quite some time back. The thing is I've felt like that all my life. So if I am reasonably ok in this life, career, health, love ...what does it mean ? Ha, I just realized I am a character from an Eminescu short story. Once I say those words....I am G.... I will fall. :))
Swans and Fed
The Fed had a biiiig hole in the pellicle which stood against the film and the lens. It had a curtain made out of cloth and some sort of black glue thing...only the glue is opaque :| and it was missing in the shape of the spot you see on the image.I opened the cam, took out the lens and almost fainted when I saw how much light got through there. Somehow the photos came out...well, like this, but I am still amazed. Lovely swans in cismigiu.
Oh yes, the pellicle is fixed...by me. I am such a geeeeeenious. I won't brag more than this until I actually use it again :P and see it work.
"oais"-copywrite Mr X. minute 2.20. lovely melody. wakes my heart up.
* if he will see. song suggestion from Mr PianoHands
Keep coming back
Everyday I think I am done with this country...and she proves me wrong.I do stay because I have a reason and I am grateful. I must be luckier than those who could actually leave.It means they didn't have enough reasons to stay.
Need the 1st of may
in between outings :)) probably I won't be home by 12
indeed, this is not exactly my style of music, but I love this song. Maybe it's the Belgy French or because of the mood of the song...anyway, alors on dance...alors on dance
indeed, this is not exactly my style of music, but I love this song. Maybe it's the Belgy French or because of the mood of the song...anyway, alors on dance...alors on dance
The dream
She was getting out of the kitchen with her hands full. Reheated dinner to be eaten in front of the computer. She used her head to push on the switch to turn the light off. And then she remembered.
It was new year, in an apartment, her friends, him, secrets and lies. People were running around, happy, they appeared to be flying. She felt her world was made of stone and silence. The moment of congratulations and kissing started. She wished she was invisible, but she complied and pretended to be alive. They ended up face to face when the others were done with them. She paused, she knew she should have made this decision before because now it is noticeable and he will understand. But he woke up and woke her up and said with a low calm voice that sounded like of a father's, ”it's ok.come on.”.They held hands or kissed on the cheek. Something like a normal thing between semi-close friends. She almost forgot that is what they are supposed to be. Then he had to leave. He was moving around gathering his things, to her despair. She could feel her blood leaving her body out of protest. The brain was alone, the heart was going on strike.
As always, something strange happened. He was going to the door, his hands were occupied by the luggage. She was moving to the table that was in his way. Their bodies met in the middle. She felt they were moving so slow, as though time was taking a walk with it's grandmother. When he passed near her he stopped and his shoulder was above her chest, his head lowered, their cheeks touching just a little. And their skins craved the affection so they stole a moment of caressing their faces with their cheeks and robbed a second's perfume to get them through...God knows, maybe the rest of their lives.
It was new year, in an apartment, her friends, him, secrets and lies. People were running around, happy, they appeared to be flying. She felt her world was made of stone and silence. The moment of congratulations and kissing started. She wished she was invisible, but she complied and pretended to be alive. They ended up face to face when the others were done with them. She paused, she knew she should have made this decision before because now it is noticeable and he will understand. But he woke up and woke her up and said with a low calm voice that sounded like of a father's, ”it's ok.come on.”.They held hands or kissed on the cheek. Something like a normal thing between semi-close friends. She almost forgot that is what they are supposed to be. Then he had to leave. He was moving around gathering his things, to her despair. She could feel her blood leaving her body out of protest. The brain was alone, the heart was going on strike.
As always, something strange happened. He was going to the door, his hands were occupied by the luggage. She was moving to the table that was in his way. Their bodies met in the middle. She felt they were moving so slow, as though time was taking a walk with it's grandmother. When he passed near her he stopped and his shoulder was above her chest, his head lowered, their cheeks touching just a little. And their skins craved the affection so they stole a moment of caressing their faces with their cheeks and robbed a second's perfume to get them through...God knows, maybe the rest of their lives.
second 33 , that is how they touched
Adventures in Lomo nr. 5
ehem !
was counting on the cool umbrella effect but blur???!!!it is so strange. these are the first films that came out blurry....with iso 800 :|
Buuuurneeeddddd ! :(((You are sooo tempted to over-expose!!! :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( I am stupid!
And , note to self and others, use the short exposure often! People move!
And , note to self and others, use the short exposure often! People move!
Mo**** F****** !!
People scan like shit ! Doesn't anyone have a machine that does not over sharp, over contrast, over kill the colours !!! They look better on the film! And less burned!!!!
Had a veeeeeeeeery bad day! (Except the first 4 hours :)) )
Buuut good stuff I noticed :
1. Cool colour effect when something is really close to the lens
The photos I show you here are not edited AT ALL. Raw...well....butchered by the fuck*** scanner. Ups, I censured the wrong part.
Image 3
I am going to find a photo I like in my pc , then write something that...dunno, comes from the image. Should it be mine or someone else's?
Today...mine. I think it will be easier...I hope :))
Today...mine. I think it will be easier...I hope :))
I was fascinated by this photo since I made it and saw it on my display. So strange....of course it was flipped. I find that now it shows it's true form. I see a woman, an ant and a spider...And then instantly I said to myself that a woman is both and ant and a spider. Gender issues, male gaze bla bla. Concepts, empty cold concepts analyzed by men or feminists. A woman is an ant because she has to be kind, she has to be hard working and she has to be prudent and women tend to think about the future, not like the grasshopper which sings all summer. Ah and the old ways ...a woman should be proper. A woman is a spider because she makes a web. With her feminine hands she has to weave a net of charm for the ones around, to get a position she wants, to catch a man that she likes and sometimes just out of her nature...so that in the morning the dew shines like little diamonds on her knitted creation.
When I described this woman ant-spider I was thinking of someone feminine, which should never be confused with superficiality or frailness, vulnerability.
Research Department
It begins with a song. It always begins with a song. He takes her hand, maybe it's the first time their hands touch. And they start to dance. The music gets lost, the people disappear, the ground is inexistent as they dance on a tune they feel through the tips of their intertwined fingers.
"The way children love...how strange", she says out loud. It's been years and she considers herself above the long lost love cliché. She can imagine her colleague from the cubicle next to hers laughing cause she's thinking out loud again. The cruellest thing about time is cynicism and maybe that's why life decides to teach her a lesson, although she should have been prepared. Why today, of all days, does she decide to find that song she forgot ? Bits and pieces of lyrics, a few notes, "I'll recognize it when I hear it. Will I? Sure I will...I think". Her thoughts are interrupted by a huge pile of documents thrown on her desk.
The trip to the research department is long and challenging. She must pass the hallways without someone making her drop the papers, she must find a good corner in the elevator as to not get groped, she must push the light switch with her head and hold the door with her right foot before it hits her on the back. I ask you, who would have thought that in that grey looking, toner smelling room someone was visiting his friend?
Through the sound of flying papers and documents reaching the linoleum, with the visual of moving white sheets slowly revealing his face she can hear that song."I do remember it."
If you are wodering what the song is I am sure you know it, your song.
"The way children love...how strange", she says out loud. It's been years and she considers herself above the long lost love cliché. She can imagine her colleague from the cubicle next to hers laughing cause she's thinking out loud again. The cruellest thing about time is cynicism and maybe that's why life decides to teach her a lesson, although she should have been prepared. Why today, of all days, does she decide to find that song she forgot ? Bits and pieces of lyrics, a few notes, "I'll recognize it when I hear it. Will I? Sure I will...I think". Her thoughts are interrupted by a huge pile of documents thrown on her desk.
The trip to the research department is long and challenging. She must pass the hallways without someone making her drop the papers, she must find a good corner in the elevator as to not get groped, she must push the light switch with her head and hold the door with her right foot before it hits her on the back. I ask you, who would have thought that in that grey looking, toner smelling room someone was visiting his friend?
Through the sound of flying papers and documents reaching the linoleum, with the visual of moving white sheets slowly revealing his face she can hear that song."I do remember it."
If you are wodering what the song is I am sure you know it, your song.
About gods
it seems flat and blurry , full view if you want to see itI was walking on the longest street in the world which became short when I got to the end when I started to hear something except the annoying bark or an annoying dog. I was hearing as if there was a gladiator match in the clouds. I was a football match somewhere. Thousands of voices cheering the same name or singing the same tune. Oau! I heard it on Tv before, of course, but like this, never. The sound was bouncing off the clouds back to the ground all the way to the longest street were little old me was walking by. The sound was amazing and I finally got the idea of veneration. I am currently watching Spartacus (yes, you've guessed it, hard as it was, a TV-show about gladiators =)) ) and so far I really didn't understand what the men where talking about , pride, honour in the arena, being cheered for, because that mass was a bunch of mindless animals...still their voices acting as one seems to mean something.
I made the connections because I've seen a series of movies about gods: there is Hercules (the Disney cartoon, Herc wants to be a god), there's Spartacus where the gladiators feel like gods when winning in the arena, there is Clash of the Titans, where gods exist because we adore them....a lot of ways of saying that they are not better...but are simply adored and that makes them gods. Then again, if there are superior beings their power and role are beyond our comprehension and what we think is "feeling like a god" is just as mortal as our condition. The funny thing is....why did man choose to create something that is beyond his comprehension and power? Is it logical? Yeah, yeah the story that he explained the phenomenons he didn't control through gods...then why didn't he think everything is some superior power. I mean today...why isn't shaorma a gift from the gods...but escaping cancer is a miracle? At some point the idea came out of nowhere and as the first. Why did that man create the superior being, create something beyond his control. Maybe it's easier to think that there is something out there "bigger" than us or maybe it really is and that first man did not invent, but simply felt the existence of the gods.
I appreciate the song, not the meaning of the lyrics
I made the connections because I've seen a series of movies about gods: there is Hercules (the Disney cartoon, Herc wants to be a god), there's Spartacus where the gladiators feel like gods when winning in the arena, there is Clash of the Titans, where gods exist because we adore them....a lot of ways of saying that they are not better...but are simply adored and that makes them gods. Then again, if there are superior beings their power and role are beyond our comprehension and what we think is "feeling like a god" is just as mortal as our condition. The funny thing is....why did man choose to create something that is beyond his comprehension and power? Is it logical? Yeah, yeah the story that he explained the phenomenons he didn't control through gods...then why didn't he think everything is some superior power. I mean today...why isn't shaorma a gift from the gods...but escaping cancer is a miracle? At some point the idea came out of nowhere and as the first. Why did that man create the superior being, create something beyond his control. Maybe it's easier to think that there is something out there "bigger" than us or maybe it really is and that first man did not invent, but simply felt the existence of the gods.
I appreciate the song, not the meaning of the lyrics
What we need to be happy
WHO THE HELL KNOWS???
Ice-tea, succes, coffee, movies, sunlight, dreams, music, sarcasm, winning, zuma, reading, messenger, sex, traveling, sports, art, job, writing, money, fighting, changing your mind, strippers, fashion, food, stalking, showering, holding hands, building, papier mache, buying stuff, sitting in a bar, dancing, wearing lipstick, shoes, social networks, Tv-shows, having kids, diary, snow, truth, working, remembering, your country, French, complaining, dressing up, waking up....
Details
Conflict is innate in a lucky person.
What can I say? I got hooked on googleing celebrities today for the fun of it because I was seeing it as the only enjoying enough activity with less intellectual characteristics to relieve me of my headache since Mr X. was unavailable at the time :P. Unfortunately I was completely "disappointed". I stumbled upon a set of amazing photos, found them to be from Details Magazine, searched for it, found it online and started reading the 6 page cover stories of famous men. Not only the 6 pages of reading were feeding my pain, but also the fact that there were no stupid and/or short phrases and the descriptions, although maybe slightly romanticized and seemed to be written by women when the authors were really men, were delightful. I could not resist reading the one attached to the photos I was so mesmerized by: Robert Patinson...hmm,yeah, I knew I didn't know how to spell his name, Robert Pattinson. As I am a movie crazed person I mostly saw anything that's playing in the cinema, including his latest, Remember me, and since he is not so different in this movie from his Twilight role(except the age...he's got less than a 100 years) I wanted to see if he is as constant in his own words as in the ones chosen by screenplay writers. He seems more or less like his characters, but with added honesty and intelligence and I found him to be wonderfully dangerous. One of those people who can create or destroy, depending on the day. Well...what actually fascinated me and made me read other 5 articles (with other actors, of course) was the way they were written. The authors stopped on some particular quotes and mostly took me through their own impressions...making me think they are like Gods who choose what to make out of reality since they must be completely subjective when writing their articles which contain only small fragments of facts and quotes.
You can imagine how impressed I was since I am rambling on about this magazine for a while now.
I am pretty sure I have a fever, my head feels like it will split open and I completely ignored my faculty paper and I will hate myself in the morning...yet I feel wonderful having my senses stimulated. I may be just an illusion of the writing and my troubled pain sensors, but I was glad to see that people do have depth and brain..even if they play a golden eyed vampire =)) duuude! or a young wizard with a very very cute...wand.
I am always interested in knowing what makes people tic or how they think. As far as my absent star goes...I will delight myself with a photo.
What can I say? I got hooked on googleing celebrities today for the fun of it because I was seeing it as the only enjoying enough activity with less intellectual characteristics to relieve me of my headache since Mr X. was unavailable at the time :P. Unfortunately I was completely "disappointed". I stumbled upon a set of amazing photos, found them to be from Details Magazine, searched for it, found it online and started reading the 6 page cover stories of famous men. Not only the 6 pages of reading were feeding my pain, but also the fact that there were no stupid and/or short phrases and the descriptions, although maybe slightly romanticized and seemed to be written by women when the authors were really men, were delightful. I could not resist reading the one attached to the photos I was so mesmerized by: Robert Patinson...hmm,yeah, I knew I didn't know how to spell his name, Robert Pattinson. As I am a movie crazed person I mostly saw anything that's playing in the cinema, including his latest, Remember me, and since he is not so different in this movie from his Twilight role(except the age...he's got less than a 100 years) I wanted to see if he is as constant in his own words as in the ones chosen by screenplay writers. He seems more or less like his characters, but with added honesty and intelligence and I found him to be wonderfully dangerous. One of those people who can create or destroy, depending on the day. Well...what actually fascinated me and made me read other 5 articles (with other actors, of course) was the way they were written. The authors stopped on some particular quotes and mostly took me through their own impressions...making me think they are like Gods who choose what to make out of reality since they must be completely subjective when writing their articles which contain only small fragments of facts and quotes.
You can imagine how impressed I was since I am rambling on about this magazine for a while now.
I am pretty sure I have a fever, my head feels like it will split open and I completely ignored my faculty paper and I will hate myself in the morning...yet I feel wonderful having my senses stimulated. I may be just an illusion of the writing and my troubled pain sensors, but I was glad to see that people do have depth and brain..even if they play a golden eyed vampire =)) duuude! or a young wizard with a very very cute...wand.
I am always interested in knowing what makes people tic or how they think. As far as my absent star goes...I will delight myself with a photo.
Image 2
I have beautiful times on my right hand now...after such a long while of cheating it, ignoring it, hating it. It's never perfect, but it's never wrong, it's always truthful. Time can't lie. It can't be longer or shorter, it can't go another way than it does on the axe from past to future.
I have many quarrels with different things. I am angry on memory, I am upset with happiness and I always hate that we are flesh and bones, heavy, dieing, limited by our shell.
It's been a long while since I imagined two seashells making love, back when the balance forgot my birth sign and failed to feel her left shoulder heavy with love. You see, my quarrel with memory, my quarrel with happiness and my quarrel with our flesh and bones...whom remember and speak and need to be remembered and need to be spoken to.
I have many quarrels with different things. I am angry on memory, I am upset with happiness and I always hate that we are flesh and bones, heavy, dieing, limited by our shell.
It's been a long while since I imagined two seashells making love, back when the balance forgot my birth sign and failed to feel her left shoulder heavy with love. You see, my quarrel with memory, my quarrel with happiness and my quarrel with our flesh and bones...whom remember and speak and need to be remembered and need to be spoken to.
Image 1
.
Hi,
Imagine you're the image, not in the image, not the paper or pixels, the image, the thing that gets projected in your eyes and stirs information in your brain, that gets read from light signals, that gets interpreted based on all the information you already have, on the context etc etc etc . Doesn't it seem you're very heavy all of the sudden?
And in the same time you're like air, changing shape and colors and temperature with every connection that you make, with every little light that goes in your head.
Imagine you're the image, not in the image, not the paper or pixels, the image, the thing that gets projected in your eyes and stirs information in your brain, that gets read from light signals, that gets interpreted based on all the information you already have, on the context etc etc etc . Doesn't it seem you're very heavy all of the sudden?
And in the same time you're like air, changing shape and colors and temperature with every connection that you make, with every little light that goes in your head.
Wind
There are many ideas about how life goes.
you have destiny, our lives are predetermined,
fate (which I understand as different from destiny), our life has a goal it has to be fulfilled (but we can choose the journey),
you have the old fashion God-surveillance and God-decisions which are not predefined, but obey some sort of law and we are still guided by a greater force
you have the chaos theory, everything is random
you have the "you are the power" theory, your choices lead to a chain of events and if you could go back in time and change a little choice everything would be different the second time around
....maybe there are lots more, I can' think of them at the moment, but there is also my favourite which doesn't really have a theory, it's more like how I see things.
Wind. We are entities that float on some sort of energy, not really a wind of air, more like an electrical current. There are things that attract us and things that repel us, we can sometimes fight it and sometimes we have to go as the wind pushes us, we can make a difference or we can just follow the current, depending on our personal structure. Of course, I believe in a power beyond our understanding today, partially because it gives me some comfort and partially because it makes life all so much more romantic and because this wind I imagine has some laws, some point which again, still remains to be deciphered. I would never admit that my life is predefined, but I don't agree with chaos or randomness. There must be some law of attraction between things.
Enough gibberish for today :)
you have destiny, our lives are predetermined,
fate (which I understand as different from destiny), our life has a goal it has to be fulfilled (but we can choose the journey),
you have the old fashion God-surveillance and God-decisions which are not predefined, but obey some sort of law and we are still guided by a greater force
you have the chaos theory, everything is random
you have the "you are the power" theory, your choices lead to a chain of events and if you could go back in time and change a little choice everything would be different the second time around
....maybe there are lots more, I can' think of them at the moment, but there is also my favourite which doesn't really have a theory, it's more like how I see things.
Wind. We are entities that float on some sort of energy, not really a wind of air, more like an electrical current. There are things that attract us and things that repel us, we can sometimes fight it and sometimes we have to go as the wind pushes us, we can make a difference or we can just follow the current, depending on our personal structure. Of course, I believe in a power beyond our understanding today, partially because it gives me some comfort and partially because it makes life all so much more romantic and because this wind I imagine has some laws, some point which again, still remains to be deciphered. I would never admit that my life is predefined, but I don't agree with chaos or randomness. There must be some law of attraction between things.
Enough gibberish for today :)
The secret in their eyes
El Secreto de sus Ojos
I just saw the movie and before the criticism and skeptisism kicks in I want to indulge myself with some wows and I almost cried and yey, a good ending and love love love...love.
You might have noticed
You might have noticed that I am not writing from home or even a pc, thus no photo or song...but here is a suggestion: la vie en rose sang by armstrong. You might notice life in pink.
Every resurrection is a coming of age
I think you are getting older when you start indexing things from your past. Example, i was nameing the must have objects of my childhood to my mom,like fashion,the trend changed with the season:laser,plastic gun with plastic amunition,water gun,rollers...and years were flashing in front of my eyes. And i was thinking, death and coming back to life is a coming of age, measured in soul years.
One of the
...yearly trips to my grandparents' house. Coming soon.
I almost feel I am back in highschool. I've been seeing a lot of my friends these days and we are planning some outings...and well, Ms HeadintheClounds has not changed. The same energetic, positive and always late :)) person. I waited 3 quarters of an hour for her today. Nothing new. If I didn't know her I would have got upset, but I know she always means well, but somehow the universe makes her late.
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